I Am Feeling Me

I haven't said much in a while but that doesn't mean I haven't been working on me. I have pushed myself as of late to take care of myself in small ways. I did my hair yesterday and I am rocking a fro. I LOVE it. I also did my nails and have kept them up for the past 3 or 4 days. Today for church I put on a cute top, a little bit of makeup and threw on some simple but cute jewelry. All of this combined has me feeling good about myself. Yes, I am loving me for the moment.

What is even more empowering is I looked at myself from top to bottom and I didn't cringe! That's a big thing for me because by the time I get to my stomach and upper arms I call it a fail and my confidence for the day is shot. I couldn't button the sleeves of my shirt around my arms but I didn't care. I still looked good. Yes, I said it. I looked good. And I'm proud. Now to keep this train going....

*Side Note...I may be on here sporadically for the next month because I will be SUPER busy but that doesn't mean that my progress will be suspended. I will make an honest attempt to come on here and give an update. And my P.O.A. is still in effect. Hold me accountable!!! Love ya'll!

Enough Talk! Time for Some Action

...or at least a plan of action. I have spent that last two weeks or so thinking about this journey of really learning how to love me but I have yet to present a plan. So today I am posting one so I can start moving forward.

Exercise Regiment

I MUST exercise EVERYDAY!!! But I don't mean always leaving the gym not dripping sweat and army crawling after it's over kind of workout. The plan: Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be the hardcore workout days which will include 30mins of INTENSE cardio and another 30min of intense toning. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday will be 15min of cardio and 15 of toning. And Sunday will be my day of rest :)

Esteem Regiment

Everyday I'm going to TRY to pick out one good thing about me that I love and one thing I hate/dislike and wrestle with it. I'm hoping by the end of each blog I'll either no longer dislike that feature or learn not to hate it. I'm doing this so I can learn that my good parts outweigh what I've deemed bad.

Encouragement Regiment

I keep finding random words of wisdom or hear people say things that could be implemented into my life as mantras. Each week I hope to find something to meditate on and present my thoughts on it. I'm in constant need of encouragement/motivation so I'm really going to try and stay on top of this.

I am also going to make myself write about the days in which I don't meet my goals and also keep a partial food journal. Everyday that I eat too much or the wrong thing I will write it down and why I did it. I'm addressing the issue here and hopefully I'll be vulnerable enough so I can push myself forward. So to my TWO followers...please hold me accountable!! I need it. So here's to life!

I Choose Me

“I lied I’m not out of this relationship. I’m in. So in it’s humilitating because here I am begging. Ok here it is. Your choice, it’s simple. Her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But Derek I love you. In a really really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.”

After finishing my blog last night the last line of this monologue popped into my head. Any hardcore Grey’s fan knows who said this line (Meridith) and under what circumstances (Derek was deciding between Addison, his wife, and Meridith, the love of his life)it was said. But for some reason my mind was applying it to my “inner” me and I wondered if the “inner” me has been saying this for years. Although it would go more like this…


“I’ve never been out of this relationship. I’ve always been in. So in it’s humiliating because I have been begging you for so long. But your choice is simple Jasmin. That carton of ice cream or me. That boy who doesn’t know your worth or me. I’m sure that ice cream is good and you will have blissful moments with that boy but Jasmin I love you. In a really really big tell you to stop while you engulf your feelings in pastries, quietly tell you to walk away when guys treat you like crap, never leave you no matter what masochistic way that makes me loathe you, love you. So please, pick me, choose me, love me. ”

The reality of this stung a bit for me and had to wonder: Has there been a part of me yearning for my own love?? No matter the answer, everyday, I MUST choose me. :)

REVAMP!

So I haven't blogged in over a month and I have a good reason! I had way too much to blog about. But now I have a focus! And that's me :)

About two weeks ago my roommate and I were sitting in her room reading magazines and yapping about life and past relationships when I asked the question "Why do I get ALL the crazies??" Her response: "Because you don't think you can do better." As much as it hurt to hear it...It's true. Although I know I'm smart, that I have a pretty face, and a great personality I have crappy self worth. I think, because the rest of my body isn't in shape, that I have to settle for whatever whack job guy comes my way.

Sitting there reading about another woman's account of losing weight in Self magazine I also took the time to contemplate on how my negative outlook of self spilled over into other aspects of my life as well as the different things that fed into. For the first time in my ten year battle of liking myself I was honest. I was honest about the ways in which I discredit myself. (i.e. When I'm out with friends I always call them the prettier girls or call myself the stereotypical ugly best friend) I also had to dig deep to keep saying that I am pretty...somewhere in this 215lb voluptuous body. It indeed is a struggle.

A week ago I was a hostess at a friends wedding and I sort of felt a little out of place. No boyfriend and a less than par body. All the girls (bridesmaids, hostesses, singers, etc) had beautiful bodies with shapes and confidence to match....and then there was me. That is until I put my dress and make up on and saw my face. I might not have felt confident in the dress but my face sure did look good!! Heck, you could've put my face on a magazine cover that day. I looked good from the neck up. I felt confident and I figured "what the hay!" as long as I only showed my face in the pictures it wouldn't be a total fail.

But then I wondered...does my journey to really loving myself start with loving the current me OR hating the way I look now and then loving myself when I get to my dream body?? After much thought I came to what will probably be the hardest part of this journey and that is...I have to learn how to love the current me, especially if I'm ever going to be able to love the healthy me. If I don't learn now then when I have successfully reached my target weight, implemented important and healthy life choices and have an even skin tone I will STILL find something wrong with me and thus never really love myself...ever!

So, for the next year at least, I'll be blogging about my journey to becoming a healthier, more loving me. Notice I said healthy...NOT SKINNY! I just want to be healthy and happy and that starts TODAY!