REVAMP!

So I haven't blogged in over a month and I have a good reason! I had way too much to blog about. But now I have a focus! And that's me :)

About two weeks ago my roommate and I were sitting in her room reading magazines and yapping about life and past relationships when I asked the question "Why do I get ALL the crazies??" Her response: "Because you don't think you can do better." As much as it hurt to hear it...It's true. Although I know I'm smart, that I have a pretty face, and a great personality I have crappy self worth. I think, because the rest of my body isn't in shape, that I have to settle for whatever whack job guy comes my way.

Sitting there reading about another woman's account of losing weight in Self magazine I also took the time to contemplate on how my negative outlook of self spilled over into other aspects of my life as well as the different things that fed into. For the first time in my ten year battle of liking myself I was honest. I was honest about the ways in which I discredit myself. (i.e. When I'm out with friends I always call them the prettier girls or call myself the stereotypical ugly best friend) I also had to dig deep to keep saying that I am pretty...somewhere in this 215lb voluptuous body. It indeed is a struggle.

A week ago I was a hostess at a friends wedding and I sort of felt a little out of place. No boyfriend and a less than par body. All the girls (bridesmaids, hostesses, singers, etc) had beautiful bodies with shapes and confidence to match....and then there was me. That is until I put my dress and make up on and saw my face. I might not have felt confident in the dress but my face sure did look good!! Heck, you could've put my face on a magazine cover that day. I looked good from the neck up. I felt confident and I figured "what the hay!" as long as I only showed my face in the pictures it wouldn't be a total fail.

But then I wondered...does my journey to really loving myself start with loving the current me OR hating the way I look now and then loving myself when I get to my dream body?? After much thought I came to what will probably be the hardest part of this journey and that is...I have to learn how to love the current me, especially if I'm ever going to be able to love the healthy me. If I don't learn now then when I have successfully reached my target weight, implemented important and healthy life choices and have an even skin tone I will STILL find something wrong with me and thus never really love myself...ever!

So, for the next year at least, I'll be blogging about my journey to becoming a healthier, more loving me. Notice I said healthy...NOT SKINNY! I just want to be healthy and happy and that starts TODAY!