Saturday, July 31, 2010

...To 50 More...

Decade 1 (1-10) A Rocky Start

On July 31, 1960, in Dade County of Miami, Fl, the most influential woman of my life was born. That woman is none other than, Mrs. S.R. Rouse, my mother. Being born in a swamp to a mother who is homeless is not the most glamorous way to enter the world. But she did, despite my grandmother’s repeated attempts to abort her.
A couple of months later, in 1961, my mother and grandmother caught a greyhound bus to Rochester, NY to live with my grandfather. It was during this time that my mother’s eclectic taste in music began. At home she listened to the classical greats which were occasionally intermittent with the sounds of smooth jazz and at her babysitters she got down to the Motown greats.
That is until 4 years later, when the most devastating moment occurred in her life. Early one morning, while my grandfather was at work, she watched my grandmother, who had rented a U-Haul truck, move everything thing out except the dust bunnies. Gone were her happy days and off to D.C. they went. She became mute for a year.
2 years later, after finally opening back up to society, she watched my grandmother throw a man out of a glass window and into the middle of the street after he had attacked my mother. It was at that moment that my mother realized that the monster the Japanese people were running from was really my grandmother. That is until a couple of months later when my grandmother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. At death’s door and rail thin, my grandmother was given only a 50% chance of survival. My mother began to live with the constant and crippling fear that she would lose her mother. That is until…

Decade 2 (11-20) Moving Forward

5 years later, at age 11, my mother breathed a sigh of relief when my grandmother’s cancer was in remission. After such a rocky start to life, my mother became quite thick-skinned. Little bothered her anymore. Weighing a mere 68lbs in middle school, my mother stood up to the white people who tried to attack her when they began busing blacks to white schools. In high school, now at a hearty 89lbs, she stood beside my grandmother, who suffered heart attack and knew that no matter what happened in that moment it wasn’t the end of the world. After graduating in 1978 and because of her lack of academic prowess, she joined the post office where she met my dad. Which began…

Decade 3 (21-30) Until Death Do Us Part...or your death can be arranged…

This is was the answer my mother gave my father when first asked if she would marry him. In her mind his proposal was a pure joke. Why would he, tall, suave, and built, want her, skinny! But at the age of 23 she was married which began a new murky chapter in her life. Despite my father’s constant infidelities she stayed with him and two years later my brother was born. But it wasn’t long after that she received another blow. While pregnant with her second her child, she watched her once active son withdraw from society and a couple of months later left the doctor’s office in tears when they told her he had autism. The news caused such stress that my mother began to show signs of a miscarriage but somehow was still pregnant. It was a couple of months later that she gave birth to her funny valentine, me. But that joyous occasion was overshadowed by the still birth of my twin. Determined not to dwell in the past she pressed forward into…

Decade 4 (31-40) I bought you into this world and I WILL take you out!

These were the words my brother and I often heard while growing up. When repeatedly asking for permission to for something previously denied she would look sternly in our faces and say, “Now, what part of no don’t you understand.” At that point we knew it was time to retreat and send the troops home. Our mother ruled with an iron fist because she wanted her kids to be more than what their environment offered. We lived in the south side of D.C. and the success rate for kids even making it out of high school alive was slim to none. She pulled my brother out of Public School and began to teach him at home because of the rampant inequality he faced as a special needs student. All the while she continued to push me academically so I could get into a better school. Her efforts were not in vain. But our appreciation for her was absent. Until…

Decade 5 (41-50) It was the best of times…it was the worst of times…

The most horrifying moment of my life occurred at age 16 as I held my mother while she had stroke. While unable to move or voice the pain she was feeling, all of what she had done for me and been to me came rushing back. It was in that moment that I realized that this woman is to me what words can’t express. Her constant love and support helped me to believe I was able to do anything. Her endless pushing and prodding created a fiery determination in me. The incredibly high standard that she set for me taught me that my opportunities were limitless. All these things, including her words of wisdom, did not make me into the woman that she is. It made me better, which was her goal all along. Today we honor this woman for the 5 decades that she has lived and today we pray that she sees 5 decades more.

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Little Housekeeping

First I would like to properly acknowledge my followers!
To my first follower MI MOLOCITO!! BFF! Thanks for the support.
To my second follower Ash Bash Catastrophe! Thanks for checking the blog :) I less than 3 you!
To Dy & Viv: Thanks for the follow and keeping up with the blog schedule.
And to my newest follower: JOE! I hope you find this interesting.

I encourage ALL of you to COMMENT. I would really appreciate to hear your feedback.

On to the housekeeping:

So I need to make a change to my P.O.A. Instead of me blogging about one self perceived flaw, a saying and one thing I like about myself I will, instead, do one a WEEK. If I tried to do one a day my blogs would be super long. So for your sake (and my fingers) I will commit to one a week. Oh, and here is an update of the physical part of my P.O.A

Exercise Update: #epicfail ...it's nonexistent...

I'll start one day soon...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

"It's not a race, it's a Journey."

So today I became watery eyed as my college adviser went through my credits and told me I would graduate in May. After my freshman year (which was an #epicfail) the thought of graduating on time, let alone graduating seemed intangible. All of my family has gone to college but none have a degree. NONE. I entered college with a slight God complex believing that anything I put my hands to would turn to gold. I was great (in my mind) and nothing could hinder that.

That is until real life hit. College has been THE most humbling experience in my life. And surprisingly I still have a level of pride or arrogance that gets in my way. Life to me was a race. All I thought about was how I could secure that ridiculously well paying job or how could I hustle and make the most money. Or how could I be the top student? The one everyone envied. All I wanted was the absolute best. Not to say that’s a bad thing but I had the arrogance/pride to match. I was the ish and I planned to stay that way.

I still don't know why I needed to learn this lesson, as I watch the same people who were with me steamroll ahead. I take that back. I'm a better person for it. Less self indulged, I guess.

Anyway, my mother said this to me this morning as I tried to hold back tears telling her the good news about my impending graduation. And I thought to myself that this quote could be applied to this blogging journey. A race can be defined as a contest of speed or any contest or competition, whereas a journey is defined as passage or progress from one stage to another. I believe there are stages of happiness. Each time I blog or meet a milestone or jump a hurdle I've reached a new stage of liking and taking care of myself. I'm not trying to get a quick fix to happiness or compete against others in the arena of health. I just want to walk along enjoying each newly acquired stage. Happy that I'm not where I was before.


So if I could offer any advice. Figure out where in your life you might be doing things for other people's approval or moving on someone else's time line. And remind yourself that to truly embrace where you’re going and what you’re doing you have to acknowledge the journey. Nothing has an easy button.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Smile, Young Girl Smile!!! (Day 1: POA cont)

Well technically this would be day 3...I couldn't blog yesterday because I no longer have internet service. The service that I was bumming for the past year is now gone. I guess the person moved out. So now I have to come to campus to blog. Bluuuuur....

Anywho! On to the next part of Day 1's blogging adventure, as I said yesterday I would dedicate the next blog to something that I found beautiful about myself. So hello pearly whites!!! Yes folks, I have a beautiful smile. This is something that I've heard pretty much all my life and have learned to take a level of comfort in. I'm not sure if it's my white teeth or the way my face lights up when I smile but something about it moves people to comment on it.



Now I haven't been number one in oral care but I try to keep my teeth relatively white. Which part of me thinks it's not hard because I'm so dark. (Ignorant to say, I know) But I feel as though if I put on a white suit or dress my teeth may not come up to par. But MOST people have that problem. If not, people wouldn't be out buying whitening strips! So the whiteness of my teeth isn't really a thorn in my side. I'm just glad that they're of a presentable color :)

My teeth also lie a little bit. People always comment on how straight my teeth look when in all actuality they aren't. I love this about my teeth!! My bottom set of teeth is actually compacted; one tooth sits forward from the rest. But unless I open my mouth and hold my head down you would never really notice. At least I don't think. But even if you did I wouldn't care because when the camera flash goes off they look white and straight.

So who can I pay homage to, genetically, for my teeth? My DADDY! We both have relatively straight teeth and I didn't really need braces. I only got them because my mom was scared that the one compacted tooth would turn. And to be honest that still may be a possibility but we'll cross that bridge IF we get there. Sadly I wouldn't have to worry about that now if I hadn't throw my retainer away at McDonald's and declined on telling my mother that I did so for the SECOND time. (As you can see I was a VERY responsible teenager) I lucked out because she's never asked about the whereabouts of my retainer to this day. But she probably knows I lost it a long time ago. O_o

If it's not the straightness of my teeth or the whiteness of them that makes people comment then the only thing left could be the joy in my smile. When I'm happy, I'm happy. And sometimes I can feel the happiness oozing out of my smile. And, as my mother would say, I have a superwoman complex. Everyone, everywhere should be having a good day and if not I see as my job to make it happen. When you smile, I smile. When you cry, I crack a joke or encourage you until you smile. Smiling is usually the precursor to laughing and if I can get you close to that then you might start feeling an endorphin drive!! Ha! This blog reminds me of a song my mother sung to me when I became sad as a little girl. I think I'll post it at the bottom.

Anyway, I love smiling. I love how infectious it is. I love the happiness that is connected to it. I love MY smile, which is a part of ME =D

~*~ The Song :) ~*~
So smile, young girl smile
And the whole smiles with you
Smile, young girl smile
Whenever you're skies are blue

No matter if it's sunny or it's rainy
No matter if you're up or down it's easy to
Just smile, young girl smile
Because the whole world smiles with you!!!

J'liv

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 1: P.O.A

So the activity part of my P.O.A did not happen...#fail. But there's always tomorrow :)

For the esteem part of my P.O.A, I'm going to talk about the facial hair (as the bad) and my smile (as the good). So every woman's fear is facial hair in places it doesn't belong. (i.e. the chin, the upper lip, etc) For example my roommate freaked out when she found stray hairs on her chin and proclaimed she had a beard. I stood there rubbing my chin wondering what it would be like to ONLY freak out over a few scattered hairs.

What causes the growth of my facial hair? Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I remember learning around age 10 that I had it. And I was heartbroken. Imagine learning at a young age that you probably won't be able to have kids and that your weight gain is due to an incurable ailment. (I had an awesome childhood) I spent most of my early years going to doctors and specialists and my self esteem was shot. I ballooned up to about 250lbs and had a full beard and mustache while the guys my age were struggling to get whiskers.



What made it worse was that the hair was stubborn. We tried a home waxing kit that didn't work well at all. So I had the conversation with my dad that every young man has with their father. I learned how to shave. At first I used my father's shaving gel and aftershave to keep from getting ingrown hairs. Then my mom bought me shaving gel for women and tea tree oil to put on my face after. Even though I could no longer see the hair in the mirror I knew it was there because I could feel the stubble. At that point I threw out the possibility of me getting married. No man wants to shave with his wife in the morning.(sigh)

But while in college I tried waxing again. Most places don't chins and lips and if they did, they all of the sudden didn't because of the amount of hair on my face. But there's a place in NJ called,Hello Gorgeous,that did. My best friend booked the appt. (since she lives there)and encouraged my to give it a try. After years of shaving my facial hair had only become more stubborn and thicker. But I figured, "What the hay? It'll just be another failed attempt." Armed with my razor, shaving gel and lack of faith I headed to NJ for yet another attempt. And surprisingly, they got ALL the hair off my face. I could've cried when I saw my bare chin and subsequently was able to run my hand against it without feeling stubble. Never in a million years did I think I would be privileged to that sensation. And yet I was.

But keeping with my realistic attitude I decided that I should wait on my rejoicing and see how long it lasted. The woman said it should last for two weeks. I didn't think it would make it. And I was right. It only made one week but that one week was awesome. I NEVER let anyone put their hands on my face because if they didn't know I had facial hair before they would know then. The crowning moment happened in the latter half of the following at my church conference. Someone grabbed my chin and kissed my cheek. Of course, from years of having facial hair, I jerked back with terror. He was the last person I wanted knowing that I was a faux man. Mid kiss I realized that there wasn't any hair on my face but of course, just to make sure, I slipped my hand across my chin while holding my breath. No hair.

You may not understand just how much that moment meant to me. But it meant so much. For the first time I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. All I need to do now is find a place in Pittsburgh or D.C. that does a good job with hair removal. I tried a place near campus and the woman gave up. I saluted her on her attempt and went home to shave after.

I can't end this blog without a resolution for my facial hair. I will say this. I need to find out what kind of wax they used and see what places use it near me. Once I've found that out I need to set aside money every month so that I can get it done. Waxing thins out hair, hopefully this rings true for my facial hair. Since this blog is so long I will dedicate tomorrow's blog to my smile. =D

Thanks for reading,

J'liv

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Assessing the Damage

Long time, no blog. As I said in my previous blog I would have scattered blogs throughout the month. Unfortunately I didn’t blog at all. Things were waaay busier than anticipated but I’m back now.

The past three weeks were spent prepping for (week one), attending (week two), and recouping (week three) from my church convocation. Why did it take a week of prep? Well I had to pack whatever clothes I had that were available and acceptable for a church conference and then drive home to pack all of my “church” clothes. I don’t dress up for church here in Pittsburgh (A jean skirt and a nice shirt do the trick) so all of my church attire was at home in my closet.
At first I was depressed. Weighing 215lbs (which is 15lbs less than last year) I didn’t think that I would be able to fit any of my clothes back home. Last year, I had piece together my work clothes because I couldn’t fit ANY of my suits. So I began to wonder what in the world would I wear! Then I found out that I had to wear black and white the first two nights. Immediately my heart sunk because I knew I didn’t have any black and white that fit me properly. Saddened, I threw stuff in my suitcase and headed home.

Once home, the reality of my broktitude hit me. (yes, I made up a word) I had NO money to buy new anything. To put it in perspective, I was either going to spend my money on clothes or save it so I could eat the next week. Obviously I chose to eat. Looking through my closet FULL of suits that range from a size 14 to an 18 I began to pick out what I thought I could wear. And that left me with two suits.
While trying to hide my disappointment my mother and I took out everything black and white or all white. I looked at the array of suits sprawled across my bed and began to try each suit on as per my mother’s instruction. And you know what? I GOT IN THEM!!!

Shocked, I continued trying on suit after suit and thanked God for every success and smiled through every failed attempt. Apparently 15lbs makes a WORLD of a difference. Enthralled, my mother and I took the suits I could wear, which ended up being enough for the week, and dropped them off at the cleaners. By the end of the week I was packed, excited and armed with my two best friends!

The week of convocation went by expediently slow. (yes, think about it) I was a bit apprehensive once it got underway because every year I eat and eat and eat and come home 5 to 10lbs heavier. With such jam packed days and so little time to spare, my friends (whom I usually see once a year) and I decide to go out to eat almost every night. And when I go out, I EAT. And what’s worse is that sometimes we don’t eat until 2 or 3 in the morning and then we go straight to bed right after. (Talk about begging for extra poundage.)

I didn’t have the time or capacity to care about what I was shoving in my mouth or at what time. All I knew is that I was hungry and the box of apple turnovers in my room was available, as well as the chocolate chip cookies, the apple fritters, the frappuccinos, the boxes of chicken and the honey glazed biscuits. (Church’s chicken is my new guilty pleasure)And to top it all off, my plan to exercise everyday went out the window. After such emotionally and physically draining days all I wanted to do was sleep and if anything other than God cut into my sleep time we would then have a SERIOUS problem. I figured I’d just deal with the consequences once the week was over.

Now my recoup week is usually spent catching up on sleep, putting my body back on a God approved sleep schedule, and assessing the damage of my eating habits coupled with my lack of physicality. Instead, I spent the week more or less maintaining the crazy hours I keep during my convocation week, eating to my heart’s desire and lying in bed from exhaustion. I put off weighing myself until Friday. I couldn’t bear to see the results of my recklessness.

But Friday came. And I weighed myself. And surprisingly…I DIDN’T GAIN A POUND!...nor did I lose. Breathing a sigh of relief, I decided that I would start my weight loss efforts Sunday. (If you haven’t been able to tell by now I am a serious procrastinator) So now it’s Sunday and I’ve maintained the good feeling I’ve had about me that was mentioned in my last blog. I still plan to carry out my P.O.A. but since this blog is so long I’ll start tomorrow ;-)

See ya on the flip!

J’liv